I wrote a few weeks ago about discovering Theophostic Prayer Ministry (not to be confused with Theosophy, which is a new-age philosophy), and after reading 'Healing Life's Hurts' I ordered the 2007 Basic Training, since the concepts are very much in line with what I've discovered through EFT and related spiritual warfare / discernment and Biblical studies. On one of the DVD's, Ed Smith says to take responsibility for your own painful emotions, as opposed to making it about other people or events. Just a few days before that, I'd asked a woman at church to pray for my ministry and I could tell from her response that she didn't believe I'd actually been called to this ministry. When she asked, I said things have been a little slow, as far as customers, but that I've only recently begun to feel more self-confident about it. (Doing web site support or other things at my current part-time job isn't quite as big a responsibility as putting myself out as a coach, but I've finally begun to trust that it's Jesus who is my / our Savior, and I can lean on Him, so I don't have to try and do it all under my own power... it had felt like it was more responsibility than I wanted to take on. After all, this is people's lives we're talking about! And of course the devil does his best to make me feel discouraged, etc.)
So I asked and she confirmed that no, she didn't believe it. That didn't feel good! It was sort of bugging me for a few days, since she's someone whose opinion I'd like to be favorable. So taking Ed Smith's advice, I decided to see if there were some memories with similar feelings attached to them, and I came up with 2 memories. The strongest and earliest one was where I'd been maybe 11 or 12 years old, and I was sitting at the dining room table writing a poem. My step-mother asked what I was doing and I told her, and though I hadn't finished the poem she wanted to see it. She decided immediately that I couldn't have written it, because it was too good. (!?) She was convinced I had to have copied it from a magazine -- though there was no magazine in sight; and started yelling at me to tell her where I'd copied it from. I kept saying I didn't copy it, I wrote it and then she showed it to one of my step-sisters and she also agreed I had to have copied it. That basically ended my poetry writing career, short as it was.
When I was thinking of that memory, I recalled an earlier memory from when I was in grade school (age 8 or so?), and our local library had a drawing contest -- and I won first prize! I had spent days on that drawing, after a couple of false starts. It's not like I'd hidden in a closet to do the drawing either, but I guess no one paid attention while I was drawing it. Because again, my step-mother didn't believe I'd drawn it and thought I copied it. So I was thrilled to have won (the prize was a copy of the book Charlotte's Web ), but there was this cloud of disapproval around it too. I was a little surprised that there was still a 'sting' left in these memories, because I'd already used EFT and tapped on them. So I discovered that the lie-based belief was that it's not o.k. to be who I am . When I asked the Lord for His truth about that belief, what He said was "I made you in my image." and the remaining sting of those memories is now gone. And my feelings about whether people believe me about this ministry are not great, but it doesn't feel so personal.
In fact, a couple of days ago I realized that the Lord had addressed the issue for me through scripture a couple of weeks before. I usually watch In Touch with Charles Stanley on Sunday mornings from 8-9am and then go to the 11am service at my church. On July 27, both Charles Stanley and my pastor had the same verse of scripture as part of their sermon, which is unusual -- so it really 'spoke to me'. That scripture was: Is 41:9 You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, And called from its remotest parts And said to you, 'You are My servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you.
Is 41:10 'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' (NASB) He really does know what we need before we ask!
I'm going to post another message about how all of this relates to spiritual warfare.